First day
jitters gnawed at my heart – What would
they think of me? Do they even see me as a friend? Or even a person? Am I even noticeable
to them… – School was reopening today to start the new semester – God… why am I even here? In this class? In
this school? – I used to love school and seeing my classmates because we
bonded so well after Year One but that didn’t last for long – Should I just leave? No one will miss me… –
When
second year started, we were so close but… hit mid-year, they were all drifting
apart… Come third year, we practically weren’t friends anymore – But what if I cause trouble? – I spent
most of third year jumping from group to group, trying to find my place in the
world but always came up empty-handed – What
do I do? – I finally found a place but it was only temporary. I mixed with
friends and found a great one – But what’s
the use of having friends nowhere near you? – They understood me, but they
were classes away – Would it have been
better if I just kept to myself? – Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and everything
but what’s the point of living a lonely life?
They are
great friends that endured all my ridiculous mistakes – Because you’re nothing but a failure – I laughed and smiled with them,
sure that made me happy – But what? But
nothing, you just pity yourself for being pathetic – I am pathetic… I am
weak… I’m hurt… I’m broken… and this isn’t a fairy tale where my prince rescues
me or where I have a sudden revelation that I don’t need people around me
because the cold hard is that I do; that I can’t help myself; that I’m waiting
for someone to help me, that I hate being alone…
My teacher
smiles at me… plastering a fake grin on my face, I greet her good morning in a
soft voice, locking my train of thought about the past in the depths of my
brain. Forcing myself to think happy. I greet my classmates with a smile, a
fake grin and tell them about my holiday – Not
that they even care… - because that’s just me…Nothing more than a mask of
false expressions to get me through the day… but at the back of my mind… It whispers:
“You’re all alone…”
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